Two nights ago, along with my wife and four children, I watched Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour Movie. If I’m being honest here (and if you’re just getting to know me, I’m quite honest), I was rather excited. I’ve always joked with my wife that I’m grateful that I’m a girl dad―that way I can bring them all to a Taylor show someday and not feel so badly about it. Now that her concert ticket sales are in the thousands of dollars range, I’m not sure that’s going to happen anytime soon. So, when the family approached me with news of her concert on the television, I was rather delighted. Amazingly, we all started slappin’ high fives. As the show went on later that evening, I started to become fascinated with Taylor Swift as a person, more so than the concert itself. I’m not even sure I finished it. Because I had what I needed. Taylor Swift surprisingly inspired the living hell out of me.
I don’t remember exactly what she said (and I’m not spending another $20 to find out), but at the very beginning―after she introduced herself―she told the uber exuberant crowd that she’s been writing songs about her life. That’s it. That got me thinking. I waited for an opportune time to share with my wife what I had just heard. Her response damn near brought me to tears: “I know someone else who writes stories about their life.”
She was talking about me.
It’s a hard job for a sensitive fellow like myself. What makes me so special? What gives me the right to sit down and bang out 140,000 words about my life? Does anyone even care? Will I be able to inspire anyone the way that Taylor does? Probably not. I mean, I witnessed grown women crying their eyes out as they sang along with her. Watching that made me whimper a little bit. The truth is, I want to inspire. I want to inspire men to feel determined to change. To heal. To be allowed to start talking about their pain. We live in a world where it’s not cool for men to talk about their feelings. It’s a big issue. When I started talking about my pain, when I started learning how to be honest about my feelings, most of my old friends ran like the wind blows. Family too. As a result, I’ve been too afraid to walk my truth. (I can sure as hell talk it―just ask my wife). I wrote and self-published a book back in ‘21. I had high fucking hopes. After my family read it, and told me how they felt, I crawled into a hole and stayed there. Then my brother died, and I crawled even deeper. It took one last rock-bottom to get me to wake up and smell the roses. I started a new book, one that I’ve been too afraid to release because of past experiences. But Taylor caused a shift in me. Taylor made me realize that it’s okay to be the man I came to this planet to be.
Props to her.
And the thing is, I don’t discredit what Taylor is singing about at all. In fact, the honest man will admit now that I like quite a few of her songs, and that I have been known to sing and dance along with her while she’s playing on our Alexa. (Stephanie caught me telling Alexa to play “All too Well” the next day―the ten minute version, for those of you wondering.) I have mad respect for the way she goes about her business, how she calls out her past boyfriends, how she calls out herself. She speaks her truth. Love her or hate her, you have to respect her. I know I do.
So does that mean I respect myself?
Fair question. Shame had me crawling into that hole. Shame had me crawling in there even deeper. Shame is a big time part of my pain, and I’m definitely okay with admitting that. Writing that book (Miraculous) was the single greatest thing I have achieved in this lifetime, aside from marrying Stephanie Holton and birthing four amazing children. But it wasn’t good enough for my family or my friends, so it wasn’t good enough for me. I almost gave up on everything I believed in. I almost walked away from my truth. Somehow I didn’t. Somehow I kept going. And now that Taylor dropped some of her innocent wisdom on me, I’m ready to get the ball rollin’.
I could have self-published my new book, The Mushroom Chronicles, as early as last October. I was too afraid. I was too afraid of what people might think of me; what people might think of my family. And I didn’t want to hurt the people that I love. I’ve never wanted to hurt the people that I love. But this is what I do. This is who I am. The world needs healing on so many levels, and as much as I try to run away from my truth, my heart, my soul, and my guides keep dragging me back.
So, I’m here to stay.
In February, I’ll be releasing my new book. There are many themes to The Mushroom Chronicles, where I documented my experience microdosing psilocybin and lion’s mane over the course of three months as a way of better understanding my trauma. Some of these themes include PTSD, childhood trauma, generational trauma, and how these particular things have affected my life. After a lot of self reflection, after having to stand in front of the mirror and really taking a look at myself, what I found was that I had narcissistic traits. When I discovered this about myself, when I raised my hand and sang passionately, “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me,” my life became very different.
This is just another reason why I love Taylor Swift. Keep rockin’ it, girl.
And I’ll try to get our men to start rockin’ it too.