Before I began microdosing mushrooms, I kept hearing and reading stories about how people were benefiting from them enormously, how they were finding happiness and joy in their life that they never thought they’d find, how they were finding meaning and purpose. I didn’t find it hard to believe at all, I guess. Me, myself, had plenty of experiences with sacred plant medicines, I just had never given myself permission to experience microdosing. It wasn’t exactly fear, but maybe resistance (and maybe they’re the same thing?). I’m not sure, but for a very long time I liked the idea of microdosing mushrooms, I was just never brave enough to give it a shot.
About two weeks after I was diagnosed with PTSD, that all changed. Though my doctor recommended many things to help me manage my PTSD symptoms (daily mediation, various supplements, EMDR therapy, to name a few), he did not recommend microdosing mushrooms. That idea came to me naturally—from none other than magic mushrooms themselves. Though I was rather apprehensive to get started, I followed my heart and decided I was going to begin microdosing psilocybin and lion’s mane four days a week as a way to help me better understand my trauma. When I began on a Tuesday (October, ‘22), I had one of the best days of my life. When the week concluded a few days later, I had had one of my best weeks of the year. Although trouble was coming my way, I knew, deep down, that I was headed in the right direction.
The trouble came fast, and I can admit to anyone reading this that I was not prepared for it. My intention was to manifest my dreams. The first thing I ever learned about psychedelic healing (and this was before I tried anything at all), is that the medicine will give you what you need and not what you want. In order to pursue my dreams, I needed to better understand my trauma first. Well, with that came some painful days. I was getting triggered almost at will, and as a result, I found myself angry, ashamed, and resentful. I kept telling myself that it wasn’t fair—it wasn’t fair that everyone else in the world could use small portions of mushrooms and have life-changing results, and here I was, just like old times, not being able to handle my substances. The mushrooms were showing me where my pain was—something I desperately needed to see. I wanted to give up. I wanted to run away. My wife and I went through some trying times. But the more I kept after it—the more I kept my eyes on the prize—the more I understood about myself and about my past. Though demanding and painful, the things I began learning about myself were life-changing after all.
But I did it the wrong way. I microdosed for two solid months, and while I did so, I had little to no support. The only person I was talking to was my wife, and, if I’m being honest here, there was some yelling and screaming as well. Trying to uncover painful experiences from your past, while trying to raise children, keep a steady marriage, and continue on with work, is one tall task. This is the sort of thing that is missing out there in regards to microdosing. We need help! Depending on what your intention is, it’s not always butterflies and rainbows. Through my experience, I learned that I grew up to be like my father, which meant that I had narcissistic tendencies in the relationship with my wife, my childhood family, and some of my old friends. I blamed them for all of my problems. I made everything about me. When I finally stopped and looked at myself in the mirror, what I found was a sad man, a man that was on the verge of surrendering.
Surrendering for me looked like finding help. Real help. After two months of microdosing, I finally found a therapist who was more than willing to listen to me and support me as I continued to uncover painful experiences from my past. Instead of unloading all of my shit on my wife, I began unloading it on my therapist, and that’s when I started finding life-changing results. I was able to find a therapist who was open to the things I was talking about, including microdosing mushrooms. We developed a level of trust with each other, and I was comfortable talking with her about just about anything. Though painful to learn certain aspects about myself, the results changed my relationships in ways I never believed to be possible. Once an endless seesaw, where my wife and I hardly ever found any balance in our marriage, leveled out, providing much-needed peace and love in our lives―peace and love we had been searching for, for many years.
So, if I had it to do over again (and what I would recommend to anyone else out there who is interested in microdosing mushrooms as a way of better understanding their trauma), I’d find someone to talk to. Looking back, I was projecting all of my fears, doubts, and insecurities on my wife, instead of having a professional to hold that space. It was taxing for both of us, yet necessary in the end. I truly believe that microdosing mushrooms (or anything else for that matter; there are tons of options out there) can help a great deal of people. I just think we are too quick to point out all of the positives that we tend to overlook the negatives. These medicines work. These medicines work profoundly. What I’d like to see going forward is more support for the men and women who are brave enough to take a look at themselves. Sure, it’s our own hero’s journey in self-healing, but we can’t go after it alone. We need support. We need love. We need trust.
And we need the right people doing it.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a real thing. I’m living proof. But what I’ve learned over the last several months is that it’s not a ‘disorder’ at all – but more of an injury. And guess what, friends? Injuries can be healed.
