Do you experience ups and downs? Do you experience levels of great happiness followed by maddening sadness? Do you experience fluctuating mood swings? Are you often confused?
If yes, this might be a sign that you’re dealing with post-traumatic stress disorder.
I went through this for many years, and I still am on some levels. Although my mood swings have lessened substantially (I’ll get to that momentarily), I still live the life of a wave. I’ll have two great days, where I find myself doing all the right things, whistling as I work, being present with my wife and four children, smiling, laughing, thinking I had never experienced any sadness at all. And then, all of a sudden, I come crashing down, and I find my way back to the other side, where there’s hardly any joy, there’s little to no presence, the thoughts in my head become painful reminders of my past, and I’m left thinking that I’ve never experienced any happiness at all. It’s a troubling existence, and for most of my adult life, I had no idea that PTSD was the root cause of this frustrating dilemma.
I had to lose two little brothers to drug overdoses to finally seek the help I desperately needed. The ups and down and moods swings were so troubling that my wife and I―two humans that love each other fiercely―were seriously thinking about a separation. I had been doing a lot of research on my issues and I was rather convinced that ADHD and autism were the causes for the ups and downs I often experienced. When my doctor diagnosed me with post traumatic stress disorder, and told me that my ADHD tendencies were simply symptoms of that, at first, I found myself rather confused. Angry. Actually, I was some damned pissed off! However, over time, the diagnosis landed with me, and I became aware that post traumatic stress and complex trauma were the reasons behind my mood swings. That’s when I felt called to do something about it.
At first, I was unaware of what the post traumatic event actually was. Foolishly, I couldn’t think of a single thing that had happened in my life that could have caused such agonizing pain. I was stuck, unsure of how to proceed with what I had discovered about myself. Having had past experience with psychedelic plant medicines, I knew there was an opportunity for me to go back in time and figure out what the hell I was missing. Thanks to a large dose of magic mushrooms (and a rather gifted facilitator), I was able to find the missing piece. But still, nothing necessarily changed, as the ups and downs still controlled my life.
So I tried something different. Although my doctor recommended various modalities to help me cope (breathwork, various supplements, EMDR therapy), I decided I was going to do something for myself. Two weeks after I was diagnosed with PTSD, I began microdosing mushrooms and lion’s mane as a way to better understand my trauma. I was so determined to get things right, I started documenting the experience. It was no fairytale―let me be clear about that―but in the end, I had everything that I needed. My wife and I barely made it. The truth about my childhood and this ‘traumatic’ event was exposed. And just when I felt like giving up on everything, I began EMDR therapy. Let me be clear about that too: That was no fucking fairytale either.
However, thanks to what I had been learning about myself through psychedelic healing, I knew exactly where to go in EMDR therapy. It only took three or four sessions before I found life-changing results. I recall sitting in a comfortable chair, my eyes going back and forth like I was being hypnotized. Every so often I’d stop, and my therapist would ask me how I felt; what was coming up for me. My body was feeling things I had never felt before―stored pain and sorrow being cut up like an onion and being spread throughout my body. I recall looking at her in the eyes and muttering, “What is this? What exactly are we doing here?” A moment later, with both of my hands covering my face, I wept tears that had been trapped inside of me for over twenty years. My post traumatic event was beyond anything we can call sad. It was soul-crushing. And finally admitting that to myself caused a shift in my life I never believed would happen.
Or could happen.
Post traumatic stress disorder knocked me down for the better part of two decades. Unfortunately, I was only aware that I had PTSD for one of those years, but fortunately, I decided to do something about it, and the results changed my life forever. Hey, I still get smacked in the face now and again, and sometimes, I become the old me, where I have to hold fast and do my best to take care of myself. But for the most part, I know it’s only temporary, and instead of losing days (or weeks), I’m only losing hours (or sometimes minutes).
My doctor diagnosed me with PTSD. But sixteen months later, I’m looking at it differently. I’m looking at it as a post traumatic stress injury. And guess what? Injuries can be healed. So if you have PTSD (or C-PTSD), and if you’re experiencing maddening ups and downs as I once was, know in your heart there’s an opportunity to heal. Allow yourself to take a look inside. I promise you, everything can and will change.
If you would like to learn more, check out my new book―The Mushroom Chronicles―where I bring you through all of this.
